


Bitter(sweet) Pill (2009)

by JennyB



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Angst, Community: 30kisses, Gen, Guilt, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-29
Updated: 2009-09-29
Packaged: 2018-07-12 13:41:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7107271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of their battle with Chin Yisou, a guilty Hakkai fusses over his friends - much to Sanzo's consternation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bitter(sweet) Pill (2009)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the LJ community 30kisses, prompt#28 - 'Wada Calcium CD3'

Hakkai was quiet as they pulled into town that evening. His battle with Chin Yisou had left him with a lot to think about, and very little of it had anything to do with the Centipede Prince himself. Of course, he was dealing with his own personal angst, as was to be expected, but he was also thinking a lot about his companions. None of them were in very good shape physically, and despite Sanzo's bitching about further delays, he had pressed for at least a few days in their current location. And, as the healthiest of the four, he had summarily decided that he would take it upon himself to tend to his friends. He smiled a little, the expression slightly bitter. In his mind, it was the least he could do since he was, after all, responsible for their current state.

"Holy shit! Hakkai, stop!"

The brunet slammed on the brakes at Goku's shout, jostling them all a little and pulling another grumbled curse from the teen when the action jarred his leg. "Goku, what is it?" Hakkai asked, a note of concern in his voice.

"Look!" He pointed to the apothecary across the street. "They're having a special on calcium supplements! I should get some to make my leg heal quicker!"

Hakkai's expression relaxed, and he chuckled a little as he put Jeep back in gear and resumed their course. "You don't need pills, Goku," he said gently. "First of all, once you're settled, I'll just heal the break for you. Then I'll make sure tonight's dinner has a lot of calcium-rich roods to help give you some strength, ok?"

"Will it be something with steak?" the teen asked hopefully. "Because I think that would _really_ help."

Again, Hakkai laughed. "No, probably not. There isn't too much calcium in steak. No, I think salmon, spinach, and tofu with sesame are more in keeping."

"Dumbass," Gojyo hissed in Goku's ear, giving him a snide smirk as he said it.

"Shut up, you pervy cucumber-loving fairy!" Goku retorted hotly. "Like you know!"

"I know a hell of a lot more than you, stupid monkey." Gojyo's smirk widened a bit, and he exhaled a lungful of smoke.

"Now, now," Hakkai chided as he turned down the street toward the hotel. "There's no need for name-calling, especially since _neither_ of you are really in any condition to fight. I -" He cut himself off, and there was a brief flicker of guilt in his eyes. He was grateful that the others were too busy bickering to really take notice. Except for Sanzo. A brief sidelong glance showed that the priest was watching him curiously. Trying to fight the uncomfortable feeling he always got whenever Sanzo stared at him like that, he parked, and then quickly hopped out of the vehicle to help Goku, lest he have to answer any questions.

Once they were up in their suite and settled, Hakkai helped Goku get situated, and then he fell silent as he directed a warm, soothing stream of chi into his leg, carefully mending the bone. When he dropped his hands away, he gave the teen a gentle smile. "Good as new - or almost. The bone is healed, but it's still a little weak and needs time to rest. No doing anything strenuous, alright?"

Goku nodded. "Yeah, I got it," he said with a smile. "Thanks, Hakkai."

"Any time, Goku. Now, you rest, and if you need anything, just call, ok? I'll get to work on dinner shortly. It shouldn't be too long, so please try to be a little patient, if you don't mind."

"I'll try," the teen said with a grin. "Though, I wouldn't say no to a snack to hold me over."

The tall brunet chuckled softly. "I'll see what I can do for you."

A little while later, Hakkai was on his way back from bringing Gojyo a beer and Goku some brownies and milk when Sanzo stopped him. "What the hell are you doing, Hakkai?" he asked as he took a hit off his Marlboro, not bothering to look up from his paper.

Hakkai started slightly. He hadn't expected the blond to address him - he rarely said anything when he was reading, save to bark out a demand for something. "I'm not doing anything," he replied earnestly, his brows knitting slightly in confusion.

"Ch." Somewhat impatiently, Sanzo ground out the remnants of his cigarette and folded up his paper, setting it aside. "Ever since we got back this afternoon, you've been running around at the beck and call of those two jackasses. Like they need any reason to be any lazier. You're not their fucking servant." He frowned slightly when he saw that same brief, contrite look.

"It's not like that, Sanzo," the brunet began quietly. "It's just that I know they're injured - you _all_ are - because of m-uh... _circumstances_ , and I really don't mind doing it."

The blond managed not to roll his eyes. Barely. "And the fact that you're still blaming yourself for all of it has nothing to do with it, ne? I told you before, Hakkai, this isn't your fault. You don't have anything to atone for."

"Don't I?" the healer asked, his voice even quieter.

"God damn it, Hakkai! You're the most intelligent of all of us, and yet sometimes, you're a _fucking idiot_! Did you push Goku off that cliff and make him fall? Did you tell the stupid kappa to stand there and get hit? Hell, did you _aim_ that doll at him? No. So quit it. Fuck, Hakkai, if I felt responsible for every bat-shit crazy youkai that's come after us, I'd have put a fucking bullet in my brain long ago."

Green eyes turned to the blond at that, lingering on his throat for a moment before moving to meet the annoyed violet. "And what about you? _I_ did that."

"Ridiculous!" Sanzo snorted, even as he adjusted the collar of his shirt just a little. "You weren't -"

"What, Sanzo?" Hakkai interrupted, obviously quite bothered by all of it. "I wasn't the one in control? I wasn't putting my heart into it? I wasn't really serious? It was my hands on your throat, not Chin Yisou's. He may have been pulling the strings, but it was my body that reacted, my mind that complied. It's far too easy - too _convenient_ \- to deny my part in all of this. Therefore, it's mine to own."

"Kiss my ass, Hakkai," the blond growled as he got to his feet. "The world isn't as black and white as you want it to be. Do you want me to admit that it was your hands and your strength? Fine. But if you want me to tell you I hate you, I won't. If you want me to say I don't trust you implicitly any more after this, I won't. I'm not going to give you that satisfaction and let you continue your self-loathing or justify you punishing yourself further. How much do you plan on making yourself suffer before you say enough is enough?"

"Damn it, Sanzo - I could have killed you today! How could I not be angry with myself for that? And if you think that by hiding the bruises I gave you and pretending that you're not feeling any discomfort will make me feel better, or make me think I'm not responsible, or absolve me of the guilt I carry for hurting a friend, you're wrong. It makes it worse because by not letting me deal with it in my own way, the way I am with Goku and Gojyo, all I can do is think about it, and how you don't want me around you, and I have no choice but to obsess about it."

Sanzo could tell by the brilliance of the green in Hakkai's eyes that the healer was being sincere. And, for as fucked up as the logic of the brunet's words sounded to him, in a bizarre way, it made sense, too. "Let me get this straight," he began as he sat back down in his chair and lit a cigarette. "You're telling me that if you fuss over us and silently feel a little bit guilty, it keeps you from feeling _really_ guilty?" He snorted in amusement when he saw the other nod. "God, you're fucked up, Hakkai."

The brunet smiled a little at that. "You sound surprised," he replied with a small grin.

Again, the priest snickered. "Idiot. Fine, do whatever you need to, but you'd better be over it by the time we leave this town, or I will shoot you."

This time, Hakkai chuckled. "I'm glad to hear that, and that sounds more than fair," he said, and then he sobered. "Though you know, Chin Yisou was right about one thing."

Sanzo arched a curious brow as he took a final drag from his cigarette. "What's that?"

He smiled softly and went to retrieve a bottle from the counter, setting it down next to the blond. "You have seemed a bit more on edge lately. I agree that you're not getting enough calcium in your diet."

Sanzo stared blankly at the container of Wada Calcium CD3 supplements for a long time, and then his gaze shifted to the brunet. He had the feeling that he'd more or less been conned. The corners of his mouth twitched as he held back a smirk, and he remarked dryly, "If anyone should be taking anti-anxiety supplements, it's you."

"Perhaps. But you agreed to indulge me. At least for the next few days."

The twitch returned, and there was a brief upward turn of lips. He _had_ been conned. "Bastard. You'd better be taking them, too. The gods help those who help themselves, and all that shit."

Hakkai smiled softly. "I suppose a few days wouldn't hurt me."

"Damned right." With that, he picked up his paper again and resumed reading. Only when he knew he was safely hidden behind it did he finally allow the smirk to come. It might not have been as blatant, but the priest knew how to fuss over _them_ , too. He thought about the next few days, and all of the disgusting, chalky tablets he was going to have to choke down. But, if it would make Hakkai happy, it was worth it.


End file.
